If you like your football and surreal humour then Athletico Mince is for you. Created by Andy Dawson and the comic genius Bob Mortimer, it’s quite possibly the best football podcast in the world. It features such surreal delights as the Santi Carzola’s Laugh Emporium Gangs of the EPL, a heartbreaking turn by Peter Beardsley, and The British Managers Club.
Below is a transcript of one of our favourite sketches which The British Managers Club – a top secret, exclusive invite-only only football manager’s club, comprising of Sam Allardyce, Roy Hodgson, Alan Pardew And David Moyles. It manages to combine satire with surreal laughs.
December 2017. Meeting in fancy members club in London with wood-paneling and posh school dinners type food. SAM ALLARDYCE, ROY HODGSON, ALAN PARDEW and DAVID MOYLES are all sat round a table in a private booth.
SAM ALLARDYCE: Order order! Thank you for coming today and congratulations to every one of us for receiving huge sacking and signing on bonuses. Now this has enabled the BMC to have a capital pot of some 25 million pounds and we are here today to decide what to do with it.
Roy, you first.
ROY HODGSON: First can I congratulate Alan on his new job at Crystal Palace – they are a lovey soft touch, easily ripped off, well done you.
ALAN PARDEW: You’re the Palace manager.
ROY HODGSON: Am I? Lucky old me. What division are we in? Do we play our matches away or at home? What’s the pay off, any good?
ALAN PARDEW: Sure it will be a biggie Roy. Sam and I both ripped them off …
ROY HODGSON: Lovely. Where do they play? There’s no clue in the title. Are they a Bristol club? There’s a lovely little bicycle repair shop in the railway arches in Bristol…..
Everyone ignores him
ALAN PARDEW: Anyway, may I first congratulate Tony on the lingering destruction he rendered at West Brom, delivering us both substantial cash piles.
And can we all reassure Moylesy that we will give him an easy ride in matches this season to help him get a full three years deal and a massive contract at either end.
ALL: Here here!
TONY PULIS: I’m out a job at the mo… so could I have an advance of a couple of mill until I take the Swansea job? I should be able to sting them for 30 mill over 3 years.
BIG SAM: Of course, it will be in the Cayman Islands tomorrow.
DAVID MOYLES: Thanks lads and Sam don’t worry I’ll send you Andy Carrol in Jan for a heavily inflated fee. Anyway, I propose we spend the 25 million on a bit coin start-up called Brit Coin – it’s a kind of currency that’s backed up by fuck all and it’s destined to blow up in investor’s faces. All we have to do is get out at the right time, like we always do, and move on to a new scam.
ROY HODGSON: I think we should open a catering company give I the contracts for our various clubs, serve up any old shit, then f*ck off when the margins start to fall.
ALAN PARDEW; What about an online fashion retailer called Brit Look? Blazers, ties, crisp shirts, nylon suits. Everyone says I look da bomb, so I could be the face of it. Run it for a year then go bankrupt… leaving our suppliers to cry into their soup. Lovely.
TONY PULIS: I reckon we should release a perfume for men called Pulis – it’s a bit cidery with a hint of pork belly – don’t pay our suppliers and f*ck off after a year.
BIG SAM: There’s some great ideas there but what about this – we set up a trust in Liechtenstein that pays us the interest tax-free and makes loans to us tax-free. So we do basically fuck all and make a fortune
They all agree.
BIG SAM: Let’s get pissed and eat some owl.
NB: It’s best listened to, to hear the ridiculous voice impressions.